A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip". So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a few too many drink's.

He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door: 1 Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2 There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3 There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4 Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5 Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6 We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.

C. 7 The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Big Daddy, Junior and the spooky. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sht out of him. 9 When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 10We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T." 11When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me". 12The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry. 13The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God. 14Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.

Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's